Obligation Blues

I recently met some girl friends for dinner and we got talking about life and our holidays and children and basically catching up on the last month since we had last had dinner together.

My girlfriend who also happens to be a neighbour has just returned from an overseas trip to visit family in the UK. She went over in late November with her 3 kids while her husband stayed home for 3 weeks until he went over to meet her before Christmas.

I said to my friend that I felt bad that I hadn’t had her husband over for dinner in the 3 weeks that she’d been away and she commented “Leonie, that’s very nice, but he was out almost every night we were away and when he arrived with us he was exhausted! I was not happy!”

“I said why was he out every night exhausted if he had wanted to rest before he went on holiday? and she said “He got invited out and he felt obligated to accept the invitations.” I said “Why?” and my friend couldn’t answer.

So hence this post. Why is it that we feel obliged to do certain things -to do things we know we shouldn’t do and that won’t be good for us in the long run? It has to do with a feeling called ‘guilt’. Something that makes us feel we ‘should’ do something to make other people feel better rather than thinking about what’s best for us. This really is a concept that doesn’t make sense. How can we do things that other people want us to do without first thinking about what’s most important for our health and wellbeing?

I used to do this all the time. Without thinking I would say ”yes’ I’ll jump over that bridge, ýes, I’ll put my head in that lion’s mouth and yes, I’ll run in front of that bus. Sure! Why not? Well, if the requests had actually been that extreme then I would have had a serious problem with  my health and wellbeing.

All of this guilt that we sometimes (or always in some cases ) feel and the feeling of obligiation, that we must do what other people want us to because they asked us extends from the idea that we need to do what other people wkant of us or they won’t like us any more. Pretty shallow, I know, but I believe it’s the truth!

We all want to be accepted and to feel a part of the community and group that we are a part of, so much so that sometimes we make the wrong decisions to accept an invitiation to dinner when really we should have saying ‘no’. And how we do that is another blog post. But for today I’d like you to think about what you feel obliged to do when you really don’t want to and why? Is it to save face and to be liked? If so, ask yourself if that really is the right reason to be doing it.

For my friend’s husband, he was living like a batchelor for 3 weeks while my friend was in the UK looking after their 3 children. After 3 weeks he would fly to the UK to meet them to spend another 3 weeks together before flying home. Instead of resting and recouperating in preparation for the trip, he was out every single night and was a mess when he arrived in the UK.

My friend continued to look after the children for at least 3 days after he arrived so he could recover from his ‘obligation-itis’ and then get on with the holiday. After 3 weeks of absence this wasn’t a good start to the holiday for him and for the reunion with his wife and family. Oh well, maybe next time he’d learn how to say no without upsetting people and without feeling guilty about it. Something I could learn to be better at too!

Why Honest Conversations?

I recently caught up with Joanna Penn http:/www.creativepenn.com to talk about our goals for the year and was greatly inspired by her enthusiasm, energy and commitment to the things she loves.

She got me thinking about what’s important to me and I’ve come to the conclusion that I always, always want to have honest conversations with people no matter what area of my life. And I want to encourage other people to do the same.

So why honest conversations? I believe it’s important for all of us to be true to ourselves and if we’re to be true to ourselves we need to be true and honest with those around us.

I’ve learnt over the years that rather than biting my tongue and smiling, nodding and agreeing with every thing someone says leaves me with a feeling of dissatisaction, feeling almost false and a little disturbed.

So rather than doing this in the fear that I would be judged, someone wouldn’t like me or it would affect me adversely in someway if I didn’t agree with people, I threw caution to the wind and hey, presto! Leonie got herself a voice!

It was an enlightening experience and from the day I decided to change the way I was, life has gone up dramatically in the satisfaction stakes!

Being honest with ourselves means we can focus on being ourselves. We can focus on what matters most to us in our lives.

I was reading the Your Body magazine last night and the article asked what matters most in your life? I thought about this and realise that family, friends, a community, good health, doing the things I love because I love them, not because I have to and helping others are the things that matter most to me. And at the top of my list? Having honest conversations, with myself, my partner, my kids, my family, my friends and my colleagues in the workplace.

And what could be a better thing to want to ensure I have positive feelings about myself. Honest conversations mean I can get what I want without upsetting others and others know where they stand and can have a stimulating conversation with me knowing that I will be honest about what I think, but tactful at the same time.

So what matters most to you in your life? Are you taking steps that will bring you closer to these things? I maybe haven’t been and plan to focus on getting closer to the things that matter to me in all the decisions I make and the conversations I have in the future.

We need to design a life that feels successful to us and I’ll be heading that way by writing, expressing myself honestly but yet with tact and focussing on my goals for a better more satisfying life. After all, life is meant to be enjoyed. Let’s take positive steps to get there. One step at a time.

Boost Effectiveness the Easy Way

Article word count: 463 Approximate time to read: 1.7 minutes

 It’s not every day you feel on top of the world and ready to tackle any challenge that is ahead. What’s the one thing that would make you feel on top of the world and motivated to tackle anything that comes your way head on? When asked the one thing employees wanted, it was recognition of a job well done. Simple! If this was done regularly self-esteem, confidence and customer service levels would improve and sales would increase leading to increased profit in business.

 If giving a little bit of recognition has such positive results and yet is so simple, then why don’t we praise those around us more often? The number 1 reason – We don’t know how. The number 2 reason – in our busy lives we forget how important it is and hence forget to do it regularly enough to make a difference.

 So how can we praise those around us to boost their effectiveness? We can try applying the following simple steps for long lasting effects.

 1)    Compliment small things

We don’t have to wait until something big happens to give someone a compliment. Any compliment no matter how small can go a long way towards building a bridge and extending an olive branch to a person. When you give a compliment you’re saying, “I think you’re OK.”

We can say things like “I like your shirt. I like your hair. I like the meal you cooked. I like the work you did on that.” It’s these small comments that really help people feel good about themselves and help them feel valued as an individual.

2)    Be sincere in your acknowledgement

There is nothing worse, more obvious or more insulting than an insincere acknowledgement so make sure you mean what you say when you compliment someone. Choose something that you think is positive and worthwhile, which is not necessarily what you think the person might want to hear.

3)    Make it short and to the point

Sometimes people can go overboard in their praise, particularly in the early stages of learning how to compliment others effectively. It’s important to make it short and to the point to avoid looking or sounding insincere and like you’re after something (which you’re not!). You’re after recognising people’s contribution and thanking them for it.

You could say something as simple as “You’re doing a good job. I appreciate your hard work. Thanks for your commitment.” These simple words can mean a lot to people and we should make a point of saying them more often, at least once a day.

By identify small things to compliment, being sincere in our acknowledgement and making it short and to the point, we can recognise the efforts of those around us and boost their effectiveness the easy way.

 Want to use this article?

You are most welcome to reproduce this article in your newsletter, e-zine, or on your website. All I ask is that you include a live link back to my website and the following by-line:

Leonie Russell, the Communications Expert, helps businesses boost productivity, build memorable customer service and enhance employee health and well-being through transforming how they communicate. She is a speaker, writer and coach. www.DimensionCommunications.com.au leonie@dimensioncommunications.com.au

Recent Observation

I experienced my recent observation at the Samford Chamber of Commerce breakfast meeting where I was privileged to see Cat Matson, Director of Alito (www.alito.com.au) talk about her business. She spoke about how business owners go into business because they love what they do.

I love helping people improve the way they communicate, my colleagues, Melinda Robinson, Heavenly Sent (Melinda@heavenlysent.com.au) loves helping people look and feel beautiful and Desolie Page, Perfect Pages (www.perfectpages.com.au) loves helping business and technical writers sharpen their writing. We all went into business because we love what we do but we don’t necessarily know how to run a business.

And that’s where Cat comes in. Cat provides business owners with strategic business and accounting advice to help them ignite their business performance. The concept that most stuck in my mind from her presentation was the idea that there are 2 barriers to success in business – 1) not knowing how and 2) the state you’re in.

‘Not Knowing How’
I was particularly interested in the ‘not knowing how’ idea because this is the value I would like to give my clients and customers – the ‘how to’ communicate well to get your message out there to achieve your business and personal goals.

Tip for today – Stop, think, construct your message clearly and succinctly then send it at the right time to the right audience and you’ll get your message through…loud and clear.

Methodology Rules

I recently saw Colin James present at the National Speakers Association of Australia’s (NSAA) Queensland Chapter meeting which was an experience that I will remember. He is polished, smooth, entertaining as well as a great teacher. I learnt several key points to help me improve my speaking ability.

He focussed on methodology as being the most important thing for a speaker to get right. It’s not about the content even though we often think so. Once we’ve got the methodology right it’s as easy as applying, practicing and improving it each and everytime we speak.

The methodology I’ve found easy to use for constructing a speech was learnt from Margot Halbert who I met at the recent NSAA convention in Sydney. She talks about structuring a speech to highlight the following:

• What you’re going to talk about
• Why you’re talking about it now
• How this will benefit the listener
• The outcome of the presentation.

Following this methodology has greatly helped me improve the way I present to audiences.  It would help any aspiring speaker to develop connection with the audience and help them develop the rapport and empathy they need to be a resounding success on the platform.

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